Monday, December 28, 2009
cleaning out the closet
i've first compared ending this decade to moving out.but when i realized that i have nowhere to go and plans are still just plans,it's more likened to cleaning out my closet.an imaginary closet.a closet up here in my head.a vast space that housed ten or more years of memory,shame,secrets and some good things.
going through it,i felt happy,sad,terrified,embarrassed,nostalgic.for most part i shook my head.i held back some tears.sometimes i wasn't good at that so i ended up bawling.and there were a few times when i smiled.i just can't remember if i laughed.
the thing i wonder the most about is how in the name of heaven was i able to sleep with those not-so-little monsters lurking in there.
boxes filled with mementos are piling up.some are sealed and marked with "never open".i wish that these boxes and their contents will forever be gone.others are still open and spilling.i'm not done going through them.even so, i think i have more to throw out than to keep.
two years ago i literally cleaned out the closet in my room.figuratively making room for that someone who never came.i threw out love letters,tore some photos,but kept old roses.i think that didn't do the job.i didn't do that routine this year because physical clutter isn't the problem.it never was.
i used to be afraid of tossing out anything permanently.thinking i might need them some day.i guess it's because i didn't know what was important then,i think i have better idea now.