yes?no?

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it's really hard to tell.

loneliness has a way of creeping up on me even on sunny and warm weekends.

where's my sunshine?

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the golden eyed boy,narcisissm,and flicking off that switch

it's beautiful outside.
the soon-to-set sun is casting an almost golden glow on the buildings.
reminds me of someone who's not here anymore.

he's my forever dream.that's all he is.the impossible.the unattainable.the boy with the golden eyes.everyone knows what he is but what he is form me remains the same.it's been more than a year and i still refuse to put him in a box where i put all the other boys in.

anyway...

i'm almost a hundred percent okay.amazing how some people around me didn't even notice that i went crazy for awhile.
the narcissistic me thought that all eyes were on me.

well.i'm back and that's the most important thing.
i feel fine.sometimes i even feel super.
i'm back to dressing for myself.back to musing about a thousand different ideas.back to laughing as loud as i please.back to immersing myself in heartless paperback mysteries.back to caring less and being me.

there's a funny story i want to share, someone tried to get under my skin today.a
reckless remark to someone that she knew would hurt me. maybe it was intentional.maybe it's not.but you know which is more probable.
newsflash: i didn't feel anything.no stab nor prick.just an uncomfortable glance shared between the other person and i was done with it.i guess i was able to flick off the switch i was fumbling for all these months.

excited

a little over 24 hours before the start of 2010.
and i'm excited.
yes.like a kid before her birthday.

i can change my life any day of the year but nothing carries as much momentum as the start of a new year.hell,start of a decade.

i used to wish for a lot of things.but this coming year, i have one simple wish.to find that someone.to be happy.

nothing wrong with being hopeful, right?
i'd be busy tomorrow.no time to sit in front of a computer.

so happy new year everyone.

happy new year Hank

Hank...
i think i love you but you love someone else.
love is too big of a word.i know what it means on it's own.but if you mix it up with the complex nature of people like you and me,whatever meaning it has blurs.
i've felt this way before so this may (or may not) pass.

you're a great guy.maybe you didn't have any idea that you broke my heart.damn maybe you didn't even know i've put it in your hands.it's not right for me to blame you.i think you even tried to apologize but like all men,you were clumsy and didn't handle it right.

on a pretty wild guess, things could've been better between us if you met me first.

there are a few things i'd like you to know but i'll never have the courage to say.first is that i'm afraid to touch you although i'd very much love to play with your hair.i envy anyone who could.whenever your sick,i always wished i could check if you have fever but i'm just so scared that you might cringe.
second is that i play it cool whenever you're around.i act like you don't matter.truth is you matter a lot.notice how attentive i am to your needs?maybe not.
the point is i'll take you in any day no matter how broken you are.maybe as a friend.maybe as something more.it really depends on when it happens.

i'm looking forward the new year.i would very much like to leave all the seemingly nasty and embarrassing (so much for courage) episodes i had with you.
i'm also hopeful that i'd find someone so you can finally see me truly happy.for some reason,i know you'd be relieved when that happens.

anyways,i know how much you love her.i don't need to see the two of you together.i've seen your face light up at the sound of her name.and right now,believe me,all i want is for you to be happy.

it's simply better that way.i'm kind of selfless that way.

happy new year Hank.

love,
M.