being friends...

 

pictureshaykyloves

on my way home last night i, along with two good friends, came across Hank and his girl.
and man, i hate that girl. while spewing criticisms at her, in a flash of anger, i almost blurted out hank's biggest secret. my mind just clouded over and pure hate took control. it felt so good spitting it out. until about six blocks later i realized that had been in the wrong company, i would have totally wrecked our friendship.

and that made me appreciate what we have. although i will always want us to be more, for now, i can't stand the thought of not having any sort of relationship with him. he may not be my lover but i am still his friend. and this is what i am ultimately good at. i'm good at being a friend. and these past few days i'm becoming even more better at that with him.

guilty

 

 weheartit

i'm guilty...
of changing.
of being scared.
of not knowing what to do.
of hurting you.
of (possibly) being the worst friend ever.

i'm guilty as hell. Cal's been asking me if anything's wrong. he said i changed. i think i did.
but it's only because i'm freaking out. this is me secretly freaking out. pushing people away. running the opposite direction. classic. it makes me sound like a guy. and i feel terrible about it.

why am i staying away from him? maybe because i feel uncomfortable? maybe because i don't know what to do? actually, i think i need to know what to do because i'm a girl. and girls are just good with dealing with things like this, right? maybe i'm not thinking straight.possibly, i'm also afraid. no, don't get me wrong. i'm not afraid of what i'm feeling because i'm pretty sure i know what i'm feeling. i'm afraid of what he's feeling. i'm afraid of his advances(yes there are still advances from him after this text!). i'm afraid of being this girl who broke his heart. oh God, i know how bad it is to have your heart broken.

what's worse is that i know i'm hurting him right now. but still i can't stand to be there with him.