Wednesday, December 30, 2009


a little over 24 hours before the start of 2010.
and i'm excited. a kid before her birthday.

i can change my life any day of the year but nothing carries as much momentum as the start of a new year.hell,start of a decade.

i used to wish for a lot of things.but this coming year, i have one simple find that be happy.

nothing wrong with being hopeful, right?
i'd be busy time to sit in front of a computer.

so happy new year everyone.

happy new year Hank

i think i love you but you love someone else.
love is too big of a word.i know what it means on it's own.but if you mix it up with the complex nature of people like you and me,whatever meaning it has blurs.
i've felt this way before so this may (or may not) pass.

you're a great guy.maybe you didn't have any idea that you broke my heart.damn maybe you didn't even know i've put it in your's not right for me to blame you.i think you even tried to apologize but like all men,you were clumsy and didn't handle it right.

on a pretty wild guess, things could've been better between us if you met me first.

there are a few things i'd like you to know but i'll never have the courage to say.first is that i'm afraid to touch you although i'd very much love to play with your hair.i envy anyone who could.whenever your sick,i always wished i could check if you have fever but i'm just so scared that you might cringe.
second is that i play it cool whenever you're around.i act like you don't matter.truth is you matter a lot.notice how attentive i am to your needs?maybe not.
the point is i'll take you in any day no matter how broken you are.maybe as a friend.maybe as something really depends on when it happens.

i'm looking forward the new year.i would very much like to leave all the seemingly nasty and embarrassing (so much for courage) episodes i had with you.
i'm also hopeful that i'd find someone so you can finally see me truly happy.for some reason,i know you'd be relieved when that happens.

anyways,i know how much you love her.i don't need to see the two of you together.i've seen your face light up at the sound of her name.and right now,believe me,all i want is for you to be happy.

it's simply better that way.i'm kind of selfless that way.

happy new year Hank.


i have a confession to make

after months of struggling to be happy again,i seemed to have won the battle.
who knew that "fake it til you make it" actually works?
it was tough checking up on myself every minute just to make sure that i won't burst out crying.
exactly how many nights is spent sleepless,i don't know.i don't want to know.all i know is that it was enough to make me lose 10 pounds,some hair and rationality.

i managed to laugh and relate to people again.but here's the truth: i am still heartbroken.

heartbroken because of unrequited love or the inability to find someone,i don't know.i don't wanna know.all i know is that i want to find someone.because apparently,being alright on my own isn't enough.


Monday, December 28, 2009

december 25th went on like this: nightfall

after the sunset,we headed to the amusement park.killed my feet.ate fatfood,i mean fastfood(not to mention i had to wait more than half an hour to get it).went home.

i so badly wanted to ride the suspended roller coaster but thanks to the scheming amusement park management,you can't buy a single ride ticket.and in no way i am getting a three-ride ticket because with the long queuing,i would be spending more than half the night in line.if you think i outsmarted the amusement park guys,you're mistaken.they robbed off money from me by setting up games that have adorably cuddly stuff toys as prizes but are impossible win.

it was a good day.the last time i had fun during the twenty-fifth was more than ten years father was still around,i had a real relationship with other people other than the two i have now.

we got home just in time to catch the series my sister was crazy about.then we climbed to bed.then they went to sleep.

i didn't.

december 25th went on like this:the sunset

i'm a sucker for sunsets.i think it's the most emotionally moving part of the day.and i can't get enough of the same time i'm afraid to see too much of it that i might lose my fervor for it like when a song loses it meaning because you play it over and over.

anyway,at five in the afternoon on the twenty-fifth.i dragged my lovely little family to the viewing deck at the mall,not minding how crowded and hot it was.we waited for almost thirty minutes before the ball of fire turned to its orange glory and majestically descended to the other side of the world.

basking in the last rays of the day,we laughed and posed for that moment,as i looked at the two of them,the whole world seemed insignificant.

he didn't matter.what i did didn't matter.nothing did except that i had the two most important people in my life with me.

cleaning out the closet

i've first compared ending this decade to moving out.but when i realized that i have nowhere to go and plans are still just plans,it's more likened to cleaning out my imaginary closet.a closet up here in my head.a vast space that housed ten or more years of memory,shame,secrets and some good things.

going through it,i felt happy,sad,terrified,embarrassed,nostalgic.for most part i shook my head.i held back some tears.sometimes i wasn't good at that so i ended up bawling.and there were a few times when i smiled.i just can't remember if i laughed.

the thing i wonder the most about is how in the name of heaven was i able to sleep with those not-so-little monsters lurking in there.

boxes filled with mementos are piling up.some are sealed and marked with "never open".i wish that these boxes and their contents will forever be gone.others are still open and spilling.i'm not done going through them.even so, i think i have more to throw out than to keep.

two years ago i literally cleaned out the closet in my room.figuratively making room for that someone who never came.i threw out love letters,tore some photos,but kept old roses.i think that didn't do the job.i didn't do that routine this year because physical clutter isn't the never was.

i used to be afraid of tossing out anything permanently.thinking i might need them some day.i guess it's because i didn't know what was important then,i think i have better idea now.

december 25th went on like this:lunch

so we went to the mall.where i come from, the mall is more than just a place to shop.if you're in the city,this is one of your best bets for've got the theater,restos,boutiques,bookstores,and arcades all at the same place.
and since it was the twenty-fifth,we expected it to be packed.
packed and not bursting as we found it was.
kids littered the floor like trash.i don't hate children if they are well-behaved.but children on that particular day scurried like mice on slippery granite floor.if you're not careful you might step on them.i think i,twice.don't worry i said sorry.

we were craving for KFC but just like the rest of the place it was bursting.ridiculous.people it's christmas.your christmas.go somewhere special to eat.on a day like december twenty-fifth KFC is for people like us who just want chicken,mashed potatoes,on a tight budget and don't celebrate christmas.

after ten or so minutes of waiting for someone to finish their meal, we gave up the KFC battle (another defeat) walked in search for another place to eat and spotted a family soon getting up from their table at The French Baker.So we settle in less than five minutes,looked at the menu and realized we weren't in the mood for pasta or soup in a bread bowl.

needless to say we left and after walking for the next thirty minutes,ended up in place that is more suitable for drinking with your buddies at night than eating lunch with your family.

lunch was good ole sisig,a disappointing plate of cheesy mussels (too damn small!),overpriced Coke in cans, pandan macapuno icecream in minuscule proportions and a bill that a little over than a bucket meal at KFC that could have truly satiated us.

the only consolation was that the place was cool and and we didn't have to hurry getting up because someone was in line outside waiting to take our place.i guess now i know why there wasn't a line outside.or why a couple of families,mostly adults, reserved a table for the night.

next,i'll tell you about the sunset.

december 25th went on like this:battle of the pants

we have atleast seven pairs of jeans at home and if you think that would be enough for three three women (two young, one old),you're wrong.
out of all seven (or more) pairs,there's this one that fits the three of us perfectly.sister hood of traveling pants much?no! no magic here. just fast metabolism for one, good genes for the other and painful squats for me.
i gave up the jeans as quickly as one of the two claimed it's right to it that problemo!i'll just shave and strut shorts.but then i had trouble finding a top that goes well with it...
the battle ensued.
except there was really no battle except stomping and murmuring on my part and finally settling for the non-stretch pair of pants.
i managed ten minutes after accepting defeat.
never mind that it pinched and i had to cuff it.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

december 25th went on like this:morning

christmas is not celebrated in our house...
and i don't really feel bad about it.
so on the morning of december 25th i trudged down the stairs at 9:30 AM,opened the fridge then marched to the sofa with a cookie on my hand,half of which is already in my mouth.i slumped down and did what i love to do each the one of the greatest inventions of mankind:the television.
guess what's on? the Ring. american version. some guy from the channel's idea of a christmas special.
my sister came down next,we had breakfast with mom,spent the next three hours flipping through cartoons,movies,and music videos.all the while arguing what to do for the entire day.
we came to decision at noon and began the fight for the best jeans in the house...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

hel-lo memo!

just got a memo.
what a way to end the day.
now i believe that *thinking negative thoughts sends bad messages to the universe and it bounces right back to yah.
*see earlier post


i am so distracted today.
if not for the deadlines i wouldn't even attempt to work.
it's like i am allergic to work today.
just the thought of the next report to do makes my eyes water and the blood in my head pound.
one mundane but extremely entertaining idea pops into my head as soon as the last one exits.
i keep on finding something to say to colleagues and i can't even count how many times i got up and walked around to actually chat with them!
i'm wasting time that i actually don't have and i'm having fun doing it.
focus m.i must focus if i don't want to greet the new year with a memo.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

sugar and sheer determination

today,i'm running on sugar and sheer determination.
thank you amazing glaze.thank you french vanilla.

bye '09

*This illustration is made by an artist named Yoko.Sorry I can't find the actual site where I found it.

Fifteen days to go and we'll be done with this chaotic decade.
I've never changed so much.
I can't count how many times I've been deconstructed and reconstructed in the last ten years and here I am still not satisfied with the outcome.

It's not like I'm unhappy with myself.I love who I am.The basic me.

It's just that I'm not completely in love with the person I've become.

I can't wait for this year to end! Surely filled with uncertainty but what's new?
Anyway, in total M fashion, I will be spending the remaining days of '09 recounting the lessons I've learned.

Friday, December 11, 2009

the perpetually dissatisfied learns this week...

found this lovely painting today at

some people don't have enough sense not to bring up something they know you wouldn't want to talk about ever again.

my Maybelline dragonfly red lipstick makes such a damn good blush.

the little black dress has the power to make you look hot even when you have a bad cold.

guys really do tend to walk away when you start showing the first signs of actually caring.

assholes don't change much even in the course of a year.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Never-Again-But-Still-A-Must-Try: Jelly Belly's Bean Boozled

One sentence review: Have no doubts,the rotten egg flavor lives up to it's name.

One bite left me gagging and spewing the innocent-looking, little yellow jelly bean
inspite of being at the mall and in full view of clueless shoppers.
Although, I have to say that I'm impressed because they managed to make me and my sister puke (almost).I can't even remember what the "nice" flavors taste like.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

cold,nice December smell

i know my friends are finding me increasingly strange because i've been asking them if they smell anything in the air.and i don't mean it figuratively.

my friends swear they're not wearing anything and that's probably the truth because i smell it even when i'm not around anyone.

it's everywhere.even inside the office building!
but not inside the house.
the colder it is,the more it is there.
it's driving me crazy.crazy good because it makes me feel giddy.

if only i could bottle that scent!

of all the people i've asked only one have said that she smells it too so that means i'm not in some kind of a trip.

i really do smell something. like perfume. extremely pleasing. and it reminds me of other cold but happy december nights.

but it is there!
weird much.

image from

i know exactly what you're up to.

when i was younger,i used to fathom why some guys would stay two steps behind me even when we're walking together.

as i got older,i realized that while my front bumper is humble, i've been blessed with lovely humps behind.

it used to be flattering(okay okay,it is flattering),knowing that guys are checking you out,but it also makes me feel super conscious! especially when i'm wearing those really tight jeans!

i get it when you do it once.

curious right?
maybe even tempting.

i understand that you guys are visual creatures.

but to do it everytime we walk together is just uncomfortable.

i guess all guys do this. even a friend of mine recently told me that his boyfriend of four years admitted to doing this during their first few months of dating.

dude,thanks.really.but stop sightseeing already because i know what you're up to.

and it's not like my derriere is going to change its shape on a daily or weekly basis.

but again thanks because atleast you notice.and maybe next time, try not to be too obvious.

Monday, December 7, 2009

mid-month slump

welcome to the mid-month slump.
it's a time when the highest of heels can't seem to make my legs long enough,and the cutest of dresses fail me.

blame it on the hormones.really.

only in my case it's not "pre" but rather "post".

i've been fighting the urge the kick off my heeled green suede pumps(i will be never able to justify why i bought them) in exchange of the slippers i have stashed in my bag.and i probably will when i finish this.

actually i had some hope for this day until the time i had to get dressed for work.

first,as i put on my tightest jeans,it ripped on the side.
i changed into a flowy little black dress thinking that it would turn the bad spell around only to realize that i don't have the shoes to match them.
so i pulled out another pair of jeans (which were too tight!no stretch!),donned them and stomped to work.

the nasty episode reminded me of four things that are true mid-month slump or not:
1.i don't have enough shoes.
2.i need a better pair of jeans.
3.i have to stop buying cheap.

weekend purchase: purple snakeskin flats

am so in love with them!

it's not their fault that they go so well with the dress i bought a month ago :)

Friday, December 4, 2009

one more thing about me : odds against.

one more thing you MUST understand about me.

i like to test fate or if such thing really exists.

so if the odds are against me, don't expect me to back down.

the more things are unlikely, the more i'll be there.

so if i do something crazy, take this into account.

strange friday

it's's cold.and i look kinda pregnant in the top i'm wearing.
good thing my hair falls just the way i want it to.

i've been thinking about Fed.
that's strange.very strange.

in the very brief time we've been together,i doubt whether we have forged a relationship of any sort except for friendship.
it's been a week since that funny idea of the kiss was planted into my head.

it's growing i guess.

not like a flower,but like a weed.

and weeds are bad.
they can be verrrrrrry baaaaaaad.

any self respecting gardener will tell you that weeds should be killed.

i don't want him to know.he cannot know.this is just a passing fancy.

things are good the way they are.the way they are nothing.
no reason to spin the world around again when i've barely settled from the last shake.

and now we wait for my resolve to weaken.

just a glimpse

after days of wondering where the hell he is, showed up in the same shirt he was wearing last week.
he seemed surprised to see me. a little out of breath since he used the stairs.
i promised i would smile the next time i see him,but such promises were made to be broken like all other promises.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


i love the cool December nights...
have you noticed that the air really does smell different?
and i don't mean that it smells like christmas (whatever christmas smells like for you)...
there's this certain fragrance that i could not quite catch.
too light to be perfume and too heavy to be just flowers...
and it brings me that giddy feeling.

and oh, i love the lights!
i think the city is much more alive at night than in the day...

with the breeze blowing calmly about...chilly enough to make you wrap your arms around yourself (or have someone wrap theirs around you!) but still comfy to leave your hoodie off...

nights like this never fail to make me smile...

today's headturner

i just can't resist a guy in a nice plaid shirt...
no... i can't resist a guy in a nice shirt,period.


i'm feeling lovely today...
is that a sin?

since i woke up this morning,
i've found one reason to smile after another.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

cute morning high

my mom woke me up this morning to show me the most unexpected thing.
a pair of tiny marijuana leaf earrings!
she bought it for me yesterday while i was at work.
the surprising bit is that she knew what they were all along!
they are really cool. i see them on jewelry shops all the time and never bought them knowing that my mom would disapprove.
and now i have my first pair ever given by her!
now beat that :)

Monday, November 30, 2009


i should have called in sick today.
i could feel the fever breaking but the pounding at the back of my head is as persistent as ever.

to keep it or not?

the big notebook collected dust on my bedside table for two weeks before i decided to write in it last night.

out of guilt i guess.
since i depended on such thing for so long.

strange that i started this blog when I had that lying around in full view,alongside the purple pen (that writes more like blue,as i found out last night).

blogging never appealed to me until last week when a friend asked me if I had one.

all of my sudden my thoughts didn't seem to fit in a notebook.

yes,they were safe in there.with only me seeing it and knowing where it is.
but they belong here.
as if they were meant to be risked.

mostly i'd be talking about people.
who they are to me and how,in their own small (and devastating) ways change who i am or who i want to be.

still i'm not sure how long i'd keep this.
or if i really should.
it's like telling a stranger your secrets (although not really telling them they are secrets) and hoping that they won't come across someone you know and share it.

Friday, November 27, 2009

another something to keep me up tonight...

did you just try to kiss me and i was too dense to even notice?
if only i had the courage to look up then i would know for sure...

Fed came to visit.i've gotten so used to his hugs that i automatically dismiss them as "friendly".
but somehow,today was different.and i only realized after he left.
i was too self-absorbed to notice.if that was really the case.i wish he knew i'd gladly take it.

or should i just blame my imagination again?

maybe my coffee was telling me something earlier.


i'm fine being alone.

but now as i sip on a cup of coffee,tasting its sweetness more than its bitterness...

i begin to wonder how much longer i will be.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

almost there...

it's a long train ride to happiness.
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