what is about love that...

 what is it about love that reduces someone so extraordinary, spunky and crazy into a common girl?
that's how it is to me. and no matter how much i seem to resent it, it is refreshingly normal all the same.

being friends...

 

pictureshaykyloves

on my way home last night i, along with two good friends, came across Hank and his girl.
and man, i hate that girl. while spewing criticisms at her, in a flash of anger, i almost blurted out hank's biggest secret. my mind just clouded over and pure hate took control. it felt so good spitting it out. until about six blocks later i realized that had been in the wrong company, i would have totally wrecked our friendship.

and that made me appreciate what we have. although i will always want us to be more, for now, i can't stand the thought of not having any sort of relationship with him. he may not be my lover but i am still his friend. and this is what i am ultimately good at. i'm good at being a friend. and these past few days i'm becoming even more better at that with him.

first of summer

i can't believe it's march already! and since we have no spring here, it's officially summer :)
everything feels kinda lovely today...
i woke up feeling like i'm going to meet the One today.
do ever get that feeling? that you're going to meet that one person you've been longing for on that very day?
i wonder if we can predict such things. or feel it coming. can we tell when the One is on his/her way?
i think i just used the word feel in three consecutive sentences.well three's a lucky number people!

the world's biggest liar

today, i feel like the world's biggest liar.
i don't think it's over yet.
sometimes i'm afraid that it will never be.
these past few days i've just been stronger.
but still it doesn't change the truth.
what is about you that just draws me near?
just one touch...one word...that's all it takes for you to own me again.
you never make me feel like you want me but you always make me feel like i want you.

just let me stare at you

 louobedlam

just let me stare at you.

please don't protest.

that's all i'm gonna ask for today. promise.

dear hank...

 

missedconnections

hank,
i don't miss you as much.
i don't want you as much.

Oh Cal...

 

weheartit

 i have nearly forgotten the gravity of saying and hearing the words, " i love you".
after all , it's almost been three long years since i last said and heard them to and from a non-family member.
in the course of that time,i've thought of actually saying them a couple of times but always didn't because they felt strange on my tongue,like a foreign language. sometimes,i even think i forgot what it really means and what it's like to say them. sad but true.
i've haven't heard them in a long time...
until last night.

Cal,a good friend with the most hilarious sense of humor, texted me those three words last night.
only one thought crossed my mind as i read the message twice. is he serious?
 i'd be lying if i tell you that i had no idea. because i did. there has been a few times when he tried to express them non-verbally. the patience,the late night texts,the jokes...but after my encounter with Hank,i have vowed never to interpret such actions.

the thing is, serious or not, i don't share the same feeling.

Cal is just a friend. he's an amazing friend. he makes me laugh. and he pretends he understands even though i know he doesn't. he does three quarters of his best (i think) to make sure i'm fine. he's a great guy. but i just don't feel that way.

i care for him.but there's zero attraction. damn,i feel sooo bad saying that. i don't wanna hurt his feelings. the best thing i can do is pretend he said nothing. carry on with being friends. i'm doing the right thing,right?

i'm learning so much right now. i can't help but feel that this is Hank and me in reverse. i'm Hank and Cal's me.

dear hank...

bones&style

dear hank,

i honestly thought i'm done with you.

well actually i am but there will always be something left to say as long as you're around.

well for now here it goes...

you look so good sometimes it pricks. it pricks so bad it renders me breathless.
i wanna roll up those sleeves of yours because i think your shirt will look better on you that way.

you always leave me wondering with the things you say and do.
how you not see me when i walk across the room and how i unexpectedly make you laugh with my most innocent reactions.  

if you'll let me,i'll rip those dark glasses off and show the world that you're really not just the chain smoking , reserved, and always cool dude you seem to be...
but an eight year-old who has an endearing laugh and loves mcdonald's,and looks like a puppy with a cold on bad days.

will i ever?

weheartit

today i saw a couple who shared a cup of frozen yogurt.

they snuggled together as if there's no space left in the entire world.

then the girl made her beau laugh.he gazed into her eyes and smiled.

it was so adorable how he did in such a boyish and genuine way.

he's happy.she's lucky.they're blissful.

and i wonder...

will i ever get  the chance to make someone laugh like that ever again?

another "how true"

tumblr

you know...

weheartit

i always said yes.

what else?

 bored-now

yesterday i broke my heart.
today i broke my shoes.
i wonder what else i might break before the week ends.

dear me...

dear m,

sophie blackall

don't claw on open wounds.

sometimes i do feel like i'm holding all these random stuff in my hand. and some of them prick yet i don't drop them.

feverish

i'm having a bad case of wedding fever...
just awhile ago, i deliberately image searched wedding gowns and found this beautiful Monique Lhullier gown:

then i read a post on secrets to staying married on  Shine.

before you know it,i have planned my entire wedding from the location to the wedding cake topper for the umpteenth time. 

love sweet love...

russel brand and katy perry are reportedly engaged...
sweet isn't it?
just imagine,a guy like russel? before katy i thought this guy was just like any other asshole- incapable of falling in love.but there you have it, they're engaged. anyways,they are adorable.both crazy.both sexy. hope they walk down the aisle.they kinda remind me of pink and carey heart.

makes me wonder when i'll find my one.
equally crazy.equally tough.equally mushy.

excited

a little over 24 hours before the start of 2010.
and i'm excited.
yes.like a kid before her birthday.

i can change my life any day of the year but nothing carries as much momentum as the start of a new year.hell,start of a decade.

i used to wish for a lot of things.but this coming year, i have one simple wish.to find that someone.to be happy.

nothing wrong with being hopeful, right?
i'd be busy tomorrow.no time to sit in front of a computer.

so happy new year everyone.

happy new year Hank

Hank...
i think i love you but you love someone else.
love is too big of a word.i know what it means on it's own.but if you mix it up with the complex nature of people like you and me,whatever meaning it has blurs.
i've felt this way before so this may (or may not) pass.

you're a great guy.maybe you didn't have any idea that you broke my heart.damn maybe you didn't even know i've put it in your hands.it's not right for me to blame you.i think you even tried to apologize but like all men,you were clumsy and didn't handle it right.

on a pretty wild guess, things could've been better between us if you met me first.

there are a few things i'd like you to know but i'll never have the courage to say.first is that i'm afraid to touch you although i'd very much love to play with your hair.i envy anyone who could.whenever your sick,i always wished i could check if you have fever but i'm just so scared that you might cringe.
second is that i play it cool whenever you're around.i act like you don't matter.truth is you matter a lot.notice how attentive i am to your needs?maybe not.
the point is i'll take you in any day no matter how broken you are.maybe as a friend.maybe as something more.it really depends on when it happens.

i'm looking forward the new year.i would very much like to leave all the seemingly nasty and embarrassing (so much for courage) episodes i had with you.
i'm also hopeful that i'd find someone so you can finally see me truly happy.for some reason,i know you'd be relieved when that happens.

anyways,i know how much you love her.i don't need to see the two of you together.i've seen your face light up at the sound of her name.and right now,believe me,all i want is for you to be happy.

it's simply better that way.i'm kind of selfless that way.

happy new year Hank.

love,
M.

december 25th went on like this:the sunset

i'm a sucker for sunsets.i think it's the most emotionally moving part of the day.and i can't get enough of it.at the same time i'm afraid to see too much of it that i might lose my fervor for it like when a song loses it meaning because you play it over and over.

anyway,at five in the afternoon on the twenty-fifth.i dragged my lovely little family to the viewing deck at the mall,not minding how crowded and hot it was.we waited for almost thirty minutes before the ball of fire turned to its orange glory and majestically descended to the other side of the world.

basking in the last rays of the day,we laughed and posed for photos.at that moment,as i looked at the two of them,the whole world seemed insignificant.

he didn't matter.what i did didn't matter.nothing did except that i had the two most important people in my life with me.