being friends...

 

pictureshaykyloves

on my way home last night i, along with two good friends, came across Hank and his girl.
and man, i hate that girl. while spewing criticisms at her, in a flash of anger, i almost blurted out hank's biggest secret. my mind just clouded over and pure hate took control. it felt so good spitting it out. until about six blocks later i realized that had been in the wrong company, i would have totally wrecked our friendship.

and that made me appreciate what we have. although i will always want us to be more, for now, i can't stand the thought of not having any sort of relationship with him. he may not be my lover but i am still his friend. and this is what i am ultimately good at. i'm good at being a friend. and these past few days i'm becoming even more better at that with him.

the world's biggest liar

today, i feel like the world's biggest liar.
i don't think it's over yet.
sometimes i'm afraid that it will never be.
these past few days i've just been stronger.
but still it doesn't change the truth.
what is about you that just draws me near?
just one touch...one word...that's all it takes for you to own me again.
you never make me feel like you want me but you always make me feel like i want you.

Oh Cal...

 

weheartit

 i have nearly forgotten the gravity of saying and hearing the words, " i love you".
after all , it's almost been three long years since i last said and heard them to and from a non-family member.
in the course of that time,i've thought of actually saying them a couple of times but always didn't because they felt strange on my tongue,like a foreign language. sometimes,i even think i forgot what it really means and what it's like to say them. sad but true.
i've haven't heard them in a long time...
until last night.

Cal,a good friend with the most hilarious sense of humor, texted me those three words last night.
only one thought crossed my mind as i read the message twice. is he serious?
 i'd be lying if i tell you that i had no idea. because i did. there has been a few times when he tried to express them non-verbally. the patience,the late night texts,the jokes...but after my encounter with Hank,i have vowed never to interpret such actions.

the thing is, serious or not, i don't share the same feeling.

Cal is just a friend. he's an amazing friend. he makes me laugh. and he pretends he understands even though i know he doesn't. he does three quarters of his best (i think) to make sure i'm fine. he's a great guy. but i just don't feel that way.

i care for him.but there's zero attraction. damn,i feel sooo bad saying that. i don't wanna hurt his feelings. the best thing i can do is pretend he said nothing. carry on with being friends. i'm doing the right thing,right?

i'm learning so much right now. i can't help but feel that this is Hank and me in reverse. i'm Hank and Cal's me.

dear hank...

bones&style

dear hank,

i honestly thought i'm done with you.

well actually i am but there will always be something left to say as long as you're around.

well for now here it goes...

you look so good sometimes it pricks. it pricks so bad it renders me breathless.
i wanna roll up those sleeves of yours because i think your shirt will look better on you that way.

you always leave me wondering with the things you say and do.
how you not see me when i walk across the room and how i unexpectedly make you laugh with my most innocent reactions.  

if you'll let me,i'll rip those dark glasses off and show the world that you're really not just the chain smoking , reserved, and always cool dude you seem to be...
but an eight year-old who has an endearing laugh and loves mcdonald's,and looks like a puppy with a cold on bad days.

kish

a kiss from me? hell yes.
but i said no.
you said perhaps on the cheek.
yeah sure.i gave you one.just a peck.
the only thing stopping me was the tuna on my breath.

don't you love this emily martin illustration? i do.

and this one too by sophie blackall:

happy new year Hank

Hank...
i think i love you but you love someone else.
love is too big of a word.i know what it means on it's own.but if you mix it up with the complex nature of people like you and me,whatever meaning it has blurs.
i've felt this way before so this may (or may not) pass.

you're a great guy.maybe you didn't have any idea that you broke my heart.damn maybe you didn't even know i've put it in your hands.it's not right for me to blame you.i think you even tried to apologize but like all men,you were clumsy and didn't handle it right.

on a pretty wild guess, things could've been better between us if you met me first.

there are a few things i'd like you to know but i'll never have the courage to say.first is that i'm afraid to touch you although i'd very much love to play with your hair.i envy anyone who could.whenever your sick,i always wished i could check if you have fever but i'm just so scared that you might cringe.
second is that i play it cool whenever you're around.i act like you don't matter.truth is you matter a lot.notice how attentive i am to your needs?maybe not.
the point is i'll take you in any day no matter how broken you are.maybe as a friend.maybe as something more.it really depends on when it happens.

i'm looking forward the new year.i would very much like to leave all the seemingly nasty and embarrassing (so much for courage) episodes i had with you.
i'm also hopeful that i'd find someone so you can finally see me truly happy.for some reason,i know you'd be relieved when that happens.

anyways,i know how much you love her.i don't need to see the two of you together.i've seen your face light up at the sound of her name.and right now,believe me,all i want is for you to be happy.

it's simply better that way.i'm kind of selfless that way.

happy new year Hank.

love,
M.

i have a confession to make

after months of struggling to be happy again,i seemed to have won the battle.
who knew that "fake it til you make it" actually works?
it was tough checking up on myself every minute just to make sure that i won't burst out crying.
exactly how many nights is spent sleepless,i don't know.i don't want to know.all i know is that it was enough to make me lose 10 pounds,some hair and rationality.

i managed to laugh and relate to people again.but here's the truth: i am still heartbroken.

heartbroken because of unrequited love or the inability to find someone,i don't know.i don't wanna know.all i know is that i want to find someone.because apparently,being alright on my own isn't enough.

cheers.

cleaning out the closet

i've first compared ending this decade to moving out.but when i realized that i have nowhere to go and plans are still just plans,it's more likened to cleaning out my closet.an imaginary closet.a closet up here in my head.a vast space that housed ten or more years of memory,shame,secrets and some good things.

going through it,i felt happy,sad,terrified,embarrassed,nostalgic.for most part i shook my head.i held back some tears.sometimes i wasn't good at that so i ended up bawling.and there were a few times when i smiled.i just can't remember if i laughed.

the thing i wonder the most about is how in the name of heaven was i able to sleep with those not-so-little monsters lurking in there.

boxes filled with mementos are piling up.some are sealed and marked with "never open".i wish that these boxes and their contents will forever be gone.others are still open and spilling.i'm not done going through them.even so, i think i have more to throw out than to keep.

two years ago i literally cleaned out the closet in my room.figuratively making room for that someone who never came.i threw out love letters,tore some photos,but kept old roses.i think that didn't do the job.i didn't do that routine this year because physical clutter isn't the problem.it never was.

i used to be afraid of tossing out anything permanently.thinking i might need them some day.i guess it's because i didn't know what was important then,i think i have better idea now.

to keep it or not?

the big notebook collected dust on my bedside table for two weeks before i decided to write in it last night.

out of guilt i guess.
since i depended on such thing for so long.

strange that i started this blog when I had that lying around in full view,alongside the purple pen (that writes more like blue,as i found out last night).

blogging never appealed to me until last week when a friend asked me if I had one.

all of my sudden my thoughts didn't seem to fit in a notebook.

yes,they were safe in there.with only me seeing it and knowing where it is.
but they belong here.
as if they were meant to be risked.

mostly i'd be talking about people.
who they are to me and how,in their own small (and devastating) ways change who i am or who i want to be.

still i'm not sure how long i'd keep this.
or if i really should.
it's like telling a stranger your secrets (although not really telling them they are secrets) and hoping that they won't come across someone you know and share it.

another something to keep me up tonight...

did you just try to kiss me and i was too dense to even notice?
if only i had the courage to look up then i would know for sure...

Fed came to visit.i've gotten so used to his hugs that i automatically dismiss them as "friendly".
but somehow,today was different.and i only realized after he left.
i was too self-absorbed to notice.if that was really the case.i wish he knew i'd gladly take it.

or should i just blame my imagination again?

maybe my coffee was telling me something earlier.