being friends...

 

pictureshaykyloves

on my way home last night i, along with two good friends, came across Hank and his girl.
and man, i hate that girl. while spewing criticisms at her, in a flash of anger, i almost blurted out hank's biggest secret. my mind just clouded over and pure hate took control. it felt so good spitting it out. until about six blocks later i realized that had been in the wrong company, i would have totally wrecked our friendship.

and that made me appreciate what we have. although i will always want us to be more, for now, i can't stand the thought of not having any sort of relationship with him. he may not be my lover but i am still his friend. and this is what i am ultimately good at. i'm good at being a friend. and these past few days i'm becoming even more better at that with him.

hank is sick

Hank is sick. and boy am i grabbing all opportunities to check him for fever ;)
seriously, that guy is sick a lot. seeing him all teary-eyed with cold and sniffing like that makes me want to take care of him. no matter how much i grew to hate hank, i will always have a soft spot for him.

the world's biggest liar

today, i feel like the world's biggest liar.
i don't think it's over yet.
sometimes i'm afraid that it will never be.
these past few days i've just been stronger.
but still it doesn't change the truth.
what is about you that just draws me near?
just one touch...one word...that's all it takes for you to own me again.
you never make me feel like you want me but you always make me feel like i want you.

everything's cool,calm and quiet

 wow. it's been a few days but really there's not much to say. just a few things i'd like to have in the open. a few things that seemed to be too good to not mention.
thanks to the long weekend, i've had the chance to think a lot of things over(reasons why me being alone right now is not such a bad thing), watch nick and nora's infinite playlist (which i'm so in love with until now!) let go of certain things i didn't know i was still holding on to (like stuff that goes 15 years back!), talk to my mom about my fears of perpetual singledom (she dispensed a wonderful a advise!) and get some bangs (i'm utterly convinced that they're cute but a few colleagues beg to differ) :p

i didn't know that it was possible for all the personal drama with Hank to end. but mercifully,it did. he's no longer up here in my head all the time. he's no longer the first thought in the morning nor the last at night. i could care less about him now. all these without the feeling of bitterness. and man, it took me more than two hundred days to get it over with. that's been a lot of time so you can imagine how light it feels to have everything off my chest.

i don't know what i should call this period in my life. it seems like i have hit a lull. everything is just so quiet. nothing's really happening. old problems are still problems. everything's routine. there are some important decisions to make soon but i am yet to feel their gravity.

you'd expect me to feel bored but i'm not. change is more than welcome but i am really in no hurry to shake things up. there's a sense of relief. realization that the worst is over. not only pertaining to Hank but basically my whole life. i don't know how i can say that because i haven't been even halfway through. i think this is one of the things i'll be saying over and over as long as i'm breathing.

perhaps this is a time for growing up. a calm but apparent transition. like leaves turning orange in autumn.

just let me stare at you

 louobedlam

just let me stare at you.

please don't protest.

that's all i'm gonna ask for today. promise.

dear hank...

 

missedconnections

hank,
i don't miss you as much.
i don't want you as much.

Oh Cal...

 

weheartit

 i have nearly forgotten the gravity of saying and hearing the words, " i love you".
after all , it's almost been three long years since i last said and heard them to and from a non-family member.
in the course of that time,i've thought of actually saying them a couple of times but always didn't because they felt strange on my tongue,like a foreign language. sometimes,i even think i forgot what it really means and what it's like to say them. sad but true.
i've haven't heard them in a long time...
until last night.

Cal,a good friend with the most hilarious sense of humor, texted me those three words last night.
only one thought crossed my mind as i read the message twice. is he serious?
 i'd be lying if i tell you that i had no idea. because i did. there has been a few times when he tried to express them non-verbally. the patience,the late night texts,the jokes...but after my encounter with Hank,i have vowed never to interpret such actions.

the thing is, serious or not, i don't share the same feeling.

Cal is just a friend. he's an amazing friend. he makes me laugh. and he pretends he understands even though i know he doesn't. he does three quarters of his best (i think) to make sure i'm fine. he's a great guy. but i just don't feel that way.

i care for him.but there's zero attraction. damn,i feel sooo bad saying that. i don't wanna hurt his feelings. the best thing i can do is pretend he said nothing. carry on with being friends. i'm doing the right thing,right?

i'm learning so much right now. i can't help but feel that this is Hank and me in reverse. i'm Hank and Cal's me.

dear hank...

bones&style

dear hank,

i honestly thought i'm done with you.

well actually i am but there will always be something left to say as long as you're around.

well for now here it goes...

you look so good sometimes it pricks. it pricks so bad it renders me breathless.
i wanna roll up those sleeves of yours because i think your shirt will look better on you that way.

you always leave me wondering with the things you say and do.
how you not see me when i walk across the room and how i unexpectedly make you laugh with my most innocent reactions.  

if you'll let me,i'll rip those dark glasses off and show the world that you're really not just the chain smoking , reserved, and always cool dude you seem to be...
but an eight year-old who has an endearing laugh and loves mcdonald's,and looks like a puppy with a cold on bad days.

you know...

weheartit

i always said yes.

a resolution

i should keep my heart where it belongs...
and that's not on my sleeve.
you won't hear a thing from me...

tumblr

the golden eyed boy,narcisissm,and flicking off that switch

it's beautiful outside.
the soon-to-set sun is casting an almost golden glow on the buildings.
reminds me of someone who's not here anymore.

he's my forever dream.that's all he is.the impossible.the unattainable.the boy with the golden eyes.everyone knows what he is but what he is form me remains the same.it's been more than a year and i still refuse to put him in a box where i put all the other boys in.

anyway...

i'm almost a hundred percent okay.amazing how some people around me didn't even notice that i went crazy for awhile.
the narcissistic me thought that all eyes were on me.

well.i'm back and that's the most important thing.
i feel fine.sometimes i even feel super.
i'm back to dressing for myself.back to musing about a thousand different ideas.back to laughing as loud as i please.back to immersing myself in heartless paperback mysteries.back to caring less and being me.

there's a funny story i want to share, someone tried to get under my skin today.a
reckless remark to someone that she knew would hurt me. maybe it was intentional.maybe it's not.but you know which is more probable.
newsflash: i didn't feel anything.no stab nor prick.just an uncomfortable glance shared between the other person and i was done with it.i guess i was able to flick off the switch i was fumbling for all these months.

happy new year Hank

Hank...
i think i love you but you love someone else.
love is too big of a word.i know what it means on it's own.but if you mix it up with the complex nature of people like you and me,whatever meaning it has blurs.
i've felt this way before so this may (or may not) pass.

you're a great guy.maybe you didn't have any idea that you broke my heart.damn maybe you didn't even know i've put it in your hands.it's not right for me to blame you.i think you even tried to apologize but like all men,you were clumsy and didn't handle it right.

on a pretty wild guess, things could've been better between us if you met me first.

there are a few things i'd like you to know but i'll never have the courage to say.first is that i'm afraid to touch you although i'd very much love to play with your hair.i envy anyone who could.whenever your sick,i always wished i could check if you have fever but i'm just so scared that you might cringe.
second is that i play it cool whenever you're around.i act like you don't matter.truth is you matter a lot.notice how attentive i am to your needs?maybe not.
the point is i'll take you in any day no matter how broken you are.maybe as a friend.maybe as something more.it really depends on when it happens.

i'm looking forward the new year.i would very much like to leave all the seemingly nasty and embarrassing (so much for courage) episodes i had with you.
i'm also hopeful that i'd find someone so you can finally see me truly happy.for some reason,i know you'd be relieved when that happens.

anyways,i know how much you love her.i don't need to see the two of you together.i've seen your face light up at the sound of her name.and right now,believe me,all i want is for you to be happy.

it's simply better that way.i'm kind of selfless that way.

happy new year Hank.

love,
M.